Tonight, I should be editing all my really beautiful seniors right this second. But I got curious thinking about when life started to change so drastically? I think about it often really… So naturally, I decided to go back on my timeline on Facebook to a year ago today. I giggled, one of my status’ said “Only 100 more days until I marry my best friend.” And now less than 100 days to our first anniversary. Then, I just kept going back year after year. 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008…I stopped there and scrolled and stopped and liked a bunch of random things. I read all these things I used to post, all the people who would comment, looking at images of with myself in them. Tears started welling up in eyes and I don’t know if I can even tell you why. I looked at a lot of those things feeling like I was reading and looking at someones Facebook I had never met before. I dont think I have ever had that feeling come over me before. Being human, I began to question all the things that made me change and how I got to where I am now. Where did the passion and zeal I had then go? Why have I not talked to that person? What happened to that relationship? Where did it all go wrong?
Wait, why did I even ask all those things?
The Lord reminded me of a conversation I had this week with a sweet friend. We met for coffee for the first time we have been friends, which is for several years. Why we waited so long, who knows. But I do know His spirit was there that morning with us. She asked how married life is? I answered…”hard but really beautiful and really really worth it.” She looked at me and said “Mmm, I love that.” She is in a relationship with such a warrior for the Lord. I don’t even know him, but the way she explained him was just that. She started to tell me about a book she was reading about marriage and everything about marriage. (The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller, she recommends it to anyone single, married, divorced) She would explain a part of the book and look at me and say, “Do you relate?” and I just kept saying Yes, yes and yes again. Then I would giggle at the example I just thought in of my head of what she just said. Then she said something from the book that stuck out to me. The book talks about when you marry your spouse…you are marrying the person for who they are in that moment and who you fell in love with for…AND you marry the person for what they will be in 1 year or 5 years or 50 years. You marry the now person and the future person.
So my husband married me for the person he fell in love with and the person I am now. AND later. He married the 20 year old body, and the 80 year old wrinkly body. (I wonder if he thought of that…tehe) Sorry for the visual people. But seriousness thats a scary thought to me, after glancing back through my Facebook tonight. Scary because life has really changed drastically, and in ways I never thought would. And Im not sure that my 2008 Tara Donaho would accept my 2012 Tara Hobgood. I know we all know the “for better or worse” vows you repeat on your wedding day. But do we understand them, and if we do…do we REALLY understand the heaviness of the REALNESS of the words we quickly repeat during the ceremony. I don’t think we do.
Not until we understand the fullness of God’s commitment to us. Yes, we know He sent his son to die on the cross for our sins. Sins now and sins later. But do we understand the commitment in that way I just explained. That He commits to the person you are today, and the person you are when you are 63. You can sit in front of you computer screen and shake your head and say yes. But I dont know if we really understand that to the fullness.
I dont. And I can say that because tonight I wept at the idea of the change I “allowed” myself to go through. And I wished that some of that part of me was still here. What is the point in wishing the past when we have been promised of love and commitment in our change and in our future? In my flesh, I feel like I took a wrong turn and ruined something somewhere. But I didnt, and if I did (which I didnt) then He is still committed to me in that. As did my husband that married me to reflect Gods commitment to the church (His people). So, tonight I am so beyond grateful for commitment from our God. I am beyond grateful and embrace all change that has happened in my life, from 1995 to 2000, 2008 to now. I have true joy in knowing He has met me exactly where I needed Him. Like always right? I accept any and all change in the future…and the past. Because my life is beyond beautiful right now. And yours is too. Whether you have changed in the way you wanted or not. He has committed to you in the deepest and sincere way anyone will ever commit to you.